Honesty is it Life's Biggest Fear?

For a few weeks after my break-up I was feeling totally guttered, lost, confused, angry and I spent most of that time moping around. While it wasn't a long term thing between Emily and I, it was definitely intense and evolved into a full on relationship very quickly.

Which brings me to my blog topic of Honesty and fear.

At the time of our break-up Emily asked if we could stay friends, I agreed. However, I place one single expectation on friendships, that being it's a two way street. Without sounding egotistical, I'm a friend of value - caring, generous, supportive and someone who will be there to give help. To me it's once a friend always a friend, no matter what!

Although she knew I was basically alone in Adelaide, I figured she wanted to give me some space. It wasn't until her PC broke down and she needed a haircut that she invited me over for dinner. The only other time she called was when I'd moved out and 5 hours later she calls to say she missed me. Apart from that it was silence.

The night I went over for dinner turned a bit weird when I received a txt message. Emily asked if it was Simon (a mate), I said "no". I didn't elaborate on who it was but I could tell by her body language she knew it was a girl.

Reiterating it just went a bit weird from that point. She then brought up the topic of how she explained to her mum our sudden break-up. I guess everyone was a bit shell shocked because she had made it sound like I was the one, her soul mate et...al. 

Telling me seemed strange, out of place, unnecessary. After all it was Emily who decided to call it quits, who threw me back in the pond. She made it specifically clear I had to move on, there was no chance of resolution and it was definitely over.

A few days later I sent her a txt thanking her for dinner (she's a good cook), adding I didn't know why she felt the need to tell me about the "us" discussion she shared with her mum. It seemed a fair straight forward question, one which I didn't see as confronting, it certainly wasn't put in a context to make her feel bad. However the reply was anything but friendly. It obviously struck a nerve. But why?

If someone calls a relationship quits and tells the other they have to move on, and they do just that, why would anyone then turn around and say things like, "you obviously didn't love me as much as you claim."

I never did believe her reason for breaking up in the first place. In fact after 3 conflicting reasons, one starts to see someone who is not being honest with how they feel. I dare say the real reason was because I stood up for myself after she disrespected me and humiliated me at a party we went to. 

I found that hard to understand, especially since she claimed to love me. I still maintain her ideal partner is one who like me is easy going and laid back. However, I think she wanted a guy who would ask how high when she said jump - I'm not that type of guy. 

Was it a coincidence? From that point onward she became distant and 3 days later pulled the pin. I think that is the truth to why she ended it.

Anyway, our txt'ing end badly. She became very defensive. I decided to be totally honest and tell her exactly what I thought and felt. That didn't go down well either. I don't think I'm on her Chrissy card list anymore.

One of the positives which came from this ended relationship with Emily, was a chain of events which led me to meeting and befriending Simon who now I can call a good mate.

We were both in similar circumstances. One of the very few times in my life when I was able to express exactly how I felt and knew I would not be judged by a person who was going through the same emotional roller coaster. It's a very uplifting experience. It certainly gave me the strength to pick myself up and get on with living again.

I've found once I started coming to terms with how I was feeling and moving forward, I've been able to see things more clearly.

Being honest is hard I'll admit. Doing so reveals our insecurities and fears. It brings to light the real person behind the mask, the one who seeks refuge from the storm. Which ironically seems to grow more ferociously as we feed into it with our fear of being honest.