Honesty is it Life's Biggest Fear?

For a few weeks after my break-up I was feeling totally guttered, lost, confused, angry and I spent most of that time moping around. While it wasn't a long term thing between Emily and I, it was definitely intense and evolved into a full on relationship very quickly.

Which brings me to my blog topic of Honesty and fear.

At the time of our break-up Emily asked if we could stay friends, I agreed. However, I place one single expectation on friendships, that being it's a two way street. Without sounding egotistical, I'm a friend of value - caring, generous, supportive and someone who will be there to give help. To me it's once a friend always a friend, no matter what!

Although she knew I was basically alone in Adelaide, I figured she wanted to give me some space. It wasn't until her PC broke down and she needed a haircut that she invited me over for dinner. The only other time she called was when I'd moved out and 5 hours later she calls to say she missed me. Apart from that it was silence.

The night I went over for dinner turned a bit weird when I received a txt message. Emily asked if it was Simon (a mate), I said "no". I didn't elaborate on who it was but I could tell by her body language she knew it was a girl.

Reiterating it just went a bit weird from that point. She then brought up the topic of how she explained to her mum our sudden break-up. I guess everyone was a bit shell shocked because she had made it sound like I was the one, her soul mate et...al. 

Telling me seemed strange, out of place, unnecessary. After all it was Emily who decided to call it quits, who threw me back in the pond. She made it specifically clear I had to move on, there was no chance of resolution and it was definitely over.

A few days later I sent her a txt thanking her for dinner (she's a good cook), adding I didn't know why she felt the need to tell me about the "us" discussion she shared with her mum. It seemed a fair straight forward question, one which I didn't see as confronting, it certainly wasn't put in a context to make her feel bad. However the reply was anything but friendly. It obviously struck a nerve. But why?

If someone calls a relationship quits and tells the other they have to move on, and they do just that, why would anyone then turn around and say things like, "you obviously didn't love me as much as you claim."

I never did believe her reason for breaking up in the first place. In fact after 3 conflicting reasons, one starts to see someone who is not being honest with how they feel. I dare say the real reason was because I stood up for myself after she disrespected me and humiliated me at a party we went to. 

I found that hard to understand, especially since she claimed to love me. I still maintain her ideal partner is one who like me is easy going and laid back. However, I think she wanted a guy who would ask how high when she said jump - I'm not that type of guy. 

Was it a coincidence? From that point onward she became distant and 3 days later pulled the pin. I think that is the truth to why she ended it.

Anyway, our txt'ing end badly. She became very defensive. I decided to be totally honest and tell her exactly what I thought and felt. That didn't go down well either. I don't think I'm on her Chrissy card list anymore.

One of the positives which came from this ended relationship with Emily, was a chain of events which led me to meeting and befriending Simon who now I can call a good mate.

We were both in similar circumstances. One of the very few times in my life when I was able to express exactly how I felt and knew I would not be judged by a person who was going through the same emotional roller coaster. It's a very uplifting experience. It certainly gave me the strength to pick myself up and get on with living again.

I've found once I started coming to terms with how I was feeling and moving forward, I've been able to see things more clearly.

Being honest is hard I'll admit. Doing so reveals our insecurities and fears. It brings to light the real person behind the mask, the one who seeks refuge from the storm. Which ironically seems to grow more ferociously as we feed into it with our fear of being honest.

Internet Dating A Gift or a Curse

The older you get the chances of finding a partner who doesn't have any baggage gets harder. A few suitcases from the past is ok as long as you've dealt with the issues. However, since I started Internet dating, the number of women who wont let go of past relationship issues are staggering.

I often wonder why bother joining an online dating site in the first place if, your going to treat every potential partner as an echo from your past and assume he's also going to emotionally screw you over. Frankly it makes no sense at all.

Within a few days of joining eHarmony I contacted a lady who seemed to be on the same page as Moi and held onto the same ideals. Pretty soon we we're not only emailing each other but mobile texting too. Within a few weeks we met,   there was instant chemistry and spark flew, yay!

I honestly believed this girl was the one. However by mid Jan, some 2 months after we'd met, she pulled the pin and threw me back into the pond. Now I accept people for whatever reason don't gel. But seriously, everything was going well, actually better than well it was truly fantastic.

But it seems that as soon as she realised she had deep feelings for me; was in love with me, the shutters came up and she commenced pushing me away. It's really hard trying to deal with this stuff. Especially when your head over heels in love with a girl who is now treating you like the plague.

I tried to sort it out, find out why she was reacting like this but it's fucking impossible when your shut out and the emotions close down. It's even harder when she's telling you it's over and she's crying but her head disregards this and swing back into lock down mode.

Anyway, after feeling like crap for a few weeks, I decide there was no point in being upset and best to move onward.

Since then I've contacted and chatted to (email and some phone) to around 25 woman. Apart from one who I'm chatting to now, who seems normal, (I'll reiterate), the other 24 seem bent on emotionally fucking not only themselves over but see all guys as ass holes. Seriously, WTF is wrong with people these days. If you haven't got your past relationship issues squared away then don't sign-up to an Internet Dating site!

What's the secret to happiness?

Don't know but if you find it can you tell me, I need a boost in the happy times department.

Ask me anything

How would you describe yourself in 3 words?

A profound paradox

Ask me anything

What do you put on your french fries?

Got to be McDonalds fries, I dip them in my chocolate sundae, it's the best!

Ask me anything

Things Could Be Worse

Do you ever want everything? Is getting everything even possible?
Can someone be happy, successful and contented at the same time? Maybe, but it's hardly ever seen. I suppose Sir Richard Branson is all of these, he seems to enjoy life but does he have regret also?

Take no notice of me I'm just in one of many mood changes which, seem to be a daily thing for me lately. I feel frustrated, at times I feel lost, others I feel centered and knowing where I'm going. It's a strange and complicated ride I'm on. I'm like Melbourne; four seasons in one day.

It's tiring when on a downer but exhilarating when on a high. Trying to make the right choice today is not working, leave it for tomorrow is my excuse but that day never comes, does it!

Death of Internet Freedom

You may recall the much publicised Australian Internet Filtering Bill which was set to go through Parliament and become law. Thanks to those who took a stand against this draconian step backwards, who like myself and other saw this as anti-Australian. Thankfully through the leaking of the URL data content to the Australian media, the Internet Filtering Bill died a sudden death.

However today, I read the USA has a similar objective and has initiated steps to have a Internet Filtering Bill censor what Americans can view, publish and access via the World Wide Web. Although this Bill has not be passed yet, it certainly something which should be of concern to all Australians. If this Bill is passed, don't be surprised if Australia will follow suit - most times the political leaders of our Country mirror their actions on the USA. Freedom of speech, democracy and our birth rights of being citizens of a "Free Country" all amount to jack, when these type of laws are thrust down our throats.

The millions of brave men and women who gave up their lives fighting in wars to bring down tyranny and defended people's rights to freedom, would be horrified to learn of such blatant acts against its citizens rights.

As Chris Richardson from webpronews.com stated, "reading about PROTECT-IP, I’m reminded of the following scene from Revenge of the Sith:"

Chris goes on to say, "However, instead of applause, it seems that apathy or ignorance rules the day." What a spot on observation. A troubling lack of knowledge, more to the point, not too many people seem to give a toss. Ironically it's that I'm alright jack fuck everyone else attitude which will come back to bit these self interested people on the ass. Again with an ironic twist, they seem to be the first people to start bitching about their losses.